The holidays are a wonderful mixture of fun, family, and financial distress. Just for laughs, here’s a little poem as my gift to you. Merry Christmas!
A Mall and the Night Visitors
By Dave Caperton with apologies to Clement Moore (and whoever he stole it from)
T’was the night before Christmas and all through the mall
The merchants were tallying their holiday haul
The shoppers were grouchy, no one was joking
Their savings were spent, their Visas were smoking
And my wife with her checkbook and I with Discover
Were there to buy gifts for each other’s mothers
Past Armani and Polo we flew like a flash
To the dollar store where we’d get lots for our cash
We bought lighters and ashtrays, two for a buck
(No-one’s a smoker, but that’s their tough luck)
We bought outdated roadmaps and candles–no wicks!
And a beautiful calendar…from ‘76
Now for the hard part, my wife’s Christmas gift
It was twenty ‘til six, and I had to move quick
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
I charged down the mall dodging kiosks and clerks
In the Coach store I considered a three-piece purse set
(It was six dollars more than the national debt)
At Macy’s I panicked. I grabbed iPods and dishes
I seized picture frames, glasses, and a pan to fry fishes
I bought oodles of earrings, satin pajamas
Scarves made from the hair of Peruvian llamas
I bought armloads of clothing and shoes, fourteen pair
They asked, “Size?” I said, “Four, 68, I don’t care!”
“How much is that juicer? That pot for linguine?
How much more if I throw in a grill for panini?”
I chose gizmos and gadgets, perfumes, lingerie
They said “bras are half-off!” but I looked away
The register hummed with such unbridled spending
That the Dow Jones reported a positive trending
I knew I’d been foolish, way deep down inside
But at least I’m all done with my shopping, I sighed
But the salesman exclaimed as this thought crossed my mind,
“You can put it all back, sir, your card’s been declined.”
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